


Teach Me How to Feel

by Hikkikoumori



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game), Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Crossover Pairings, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fanon Mikado Nagi, M/M, Nagi doesn't really have a canon personality other than being a brat so I have to improvise, Nagi is 16 in this fic, Proceed with an open mind, Slow Burn, rivals to friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-04-27 21:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14434863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikkikoumori/pseuds/Hikkikoumori
Summary: Nagi has always been confident in telling others how to become as proud of themselves as he is.He's always asked how everyone else was doing, how they've been, what's their goals...But no one has ever asked him just what he wanted out of life.He's always listened and didn't ask questions.Now, he'll have to answer to a fan, a rival, and a friend...Perhaps he's too trusting.





	1. In Hindsight...

**Author's Note:**

> This fic may contain graphic descriptions, harsh language, and sensitive topics as it progresses. 
> 
> Please proceed with caution and an open mind.
> 
> Thank you.

During the week, Nagi was a normal idol. Photoshoots on Mondays, interviews on Tuesdays, Filming commercials on Wednesdays, and Practice on Thursdays and Fridays. His life has been busy since he could remember so it wasn’t hard to adjust to such a demanding schedule. However on the weekends, he was a normal sixteen year old boy.

“I’m heading out!” He called out as he pulled on his backpack. Before he could head out the door, Kira stopped him. “Nagi… mask.” The young boy waved his hand dismissively. “Don't worry! I got my glasses and my hat, that should be enough!” He smiled and hugged his band mate before skipping out the door.

 

As easy as it was to use a personal driver, Nagi preferred walking to his destinations. It made him feel more like a normal teenager. Humming as he bounced with every step, he headed to his favorite idol-themed cafe. As dangerous as it was, Nagi had never been noticed before, so what made today any different? The cafe was pretty large, with a “special feature” section rotating every week. Since STARISH, Quartet Night, and HEAVENS were more local, however, they were there to stay. As Nagi stepped into the cafe, he read the chalkboard showcasing this week’s specialty. “‘IDOLiSH7?’ Are they new? I’ve never heard of them…” He thought out loud. The waitress, however, answered regardless. “They’re a new idol group that quickly rose to fame! At this rate, they might outshine even Quartet Night!”

Nagi raised one of his eyebrows, “They look plain. Like they’re all amateurs who don’t know what they’re doing.” Taken aback, the waitress awkwardly laughed, “Ah, well they’re all first timers to the idol scene as far as we know, so go easy on them, maybe you’ll like them. Now, where would you like to sit?”

 

“IDOLiSH7…” Nagi annunciated as he typed it into the search bar on his phone. “Consists of Nanase Riku as the center… People actually have ‘centers’ these days? They seem unprepared… Should be an easy defeat for HEAVENS.” As he snickered, he looked over all of the members. “This guy’s got the nerve to have the same name as me? And who’s this shrimp-looking boy?”

“Excuse me.”

Nagi’s eyes flicked up then back at his phone, “Yeah? What’s up?” Before him stood a tall lanky boy with a mask covering his mouth, he seemed slightly nervous about something. “Uh… You’re—” The boy paused and looked around, lowering his voice to a whisper. “You’re Mikado Nagi, right?” Nagi squinted and slumped down in his seat turning slightly so he didn’t have to look at what he assumed was a fan. “I don’t do autographs on my off days.” The boy looked down and, from behind his mask, Nagi could sense how dejected he was. “I...see. It’s just you’re… a really cute person. I admire you a lot for being upfront about how you want to be seen. I don’t need an autograph, but I just wanted to tell you, thank you. I’ll probably never be as confident as you are but—”

“Well, not like that you’re not.” Nagi spoke, not looking away from his phone.

“E-excuse me?”

“The first step of being confident is knowing you’re confident. Doubting yourself like that isn’t a way to do it.”

“I see.”

Nagi reached into his backpack and fished out a pen and paper from his notebook, “There's a lot more to being confident other than just waking up one day and saying, ‘Today, I’ll be this!’ You have to train yourself to accept you for you first, and once you do that, if ‘you’ make other people happy, then you can make yourself happy.” He said as he scribbled away on the paper.

“I-I don’t really—”

“Enough with the ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘I don’t know how to do that’. You have to think, ‘I can learn to do this’. Then and only then can you present yourself proudly. Now, what were you going to say?”

“I… can learn to become a great idol.”

Nagi’s expression softened, and he tore the page from his notebook out. “Good job.” He winked and handed the boy the paper, “Don’t ever forget what I told you. Someday, you’ll even be able to rival me.”

Over the intercom Nagi heard a voice he recognized as the waitress from before. “Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention for a special performance from one of our featured idols of the week! Make your way to the main hall now and please wait patiently for the performance to begin.” Nagi turned away to shove his things back into his backpack. “So are you going to watch the—” When he turned back around, the boy was gone. Shaking his head and grumbling about disrespectful fans, he took his seat in the main room for the performance.

 

As he waited for the show to start, he noticed the boy he’d given the autograph to near the stage. “So that’s where he went off to… Aren’t fans supposed to stay down here? He’s just all kinds of disrespectful, isn't he?” He muttered. Nagi surveyed the boy as he began to speak with the stage directors. Strangely enough it didn’t seem like they were scolding him for being too close to the stage. After what seemed to be a brief conversation the boy pulled off his mask and stepped onto the stage, “Good evening, everyone. I’m glad all of you could make it here to see me.”

Nagi’s eyes widened and he tore into his backpack. He yanked out his phone and immediately checked the article he was reading before on IDOLiSH7. He squinted at every member trying to match the face until finally, he found him. “My name is Izumi Iori, I’m from the group IDOLiSH7. I’ll be performing a song I worked on by myself, so listen if you will.”

“No way…” Nagi muttered. “No way. No way. No way.” Not only was he shocked that the boy he’d told to be more confident in himself was a potential rival in the first place, but Nagi told him he would be able to rival  _him_.

As Nagi listened to Iori’s performance, he couldn’t help but feel a certain way. Somehow, everything Nagi had told Iori matched with the lyrics. With Iori singing it so passionately, Nagi felt as if the song was meant for him, although he knew for a fact that it wasn’t.

Nagi couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and stormed out of the cafe, not even bothering to allow Iori to finish his performance.

“I wish I could say I’m sorry, Izumi-kun, but I hate losing.” He paused and gritted his teeth, “And I _won't_ let you beat me.”


	2. At the End of the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Iori does the thinking emoji in real life and Nagi says Iori is not as much of an ass as he could have been.

“Nagi?”

The lump of a boy groaned in reply.

“Eiichi told me to bring your dinner to you.”

Nagi poked his head out from under his blankets and looked at Shion, who was merely an outlined shadow standing in the doorway. “Why’d he send you? He usually sends Kira.” Shion placed down the plate of food and made himself comfortable at Nagi’s desk. “Because he knew you would talk to me if I came. What is it that’s troubling you?” Just as Nagi was about to start talking, Shion pulled one of his protein packs out of his sweater pocket and began to sip on it. Nagi squinted, knowing Shion himself probably didn’t care that Nagi was hiding himself away in his room since Shion did it almost everyday, he was just doing as Eiichi told him to. “I… met a fan today. He recognized me almost immediately, so I thought I’d humor him a little and give him advice. I told him that if he really believed in himself, he could probably rival me. As it turns out, he is actually a member of a popular group called IDOLiSH7.” Shion pulled his mouth off of his liquefied dinner and tilted his head. “Isn’t that good that a popular person is a fan of you?” Nagi shook his head and sat up, holding Shion by his shoulders. “Shion. He’s an idol. He’s popular. I told him he could rival me.”  
“But you didn’t mean, it did you?”

“Of course not! I’m the cutest idol in the universe.”

“Then there shouldn’t be a problem.”

Nagi shook Shion lightly. “Shion. It’s a problem. If he thinks he can rival me, then he’ll want to challenge HEAVENS.” Shion let the plastic pack fall from his lips for dramatic effect, though his face only showed a deadpan expression. Nagi sighed and released Shion from his grip. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.” The younger idol curled back up under his blankets and waited until he heard Shion get up to leave.

After sulking for another thirty minutes, he crawled out from his depression in his bed and moved to his desk to eat his dinner. “Should I just leave? I’ve already caused trouble for HEAVENS. If I went out there and told them that though, they’d think I was being childish.” He reached underneath this desk to grab his backpack only to find it wasn’t there. “Oh… I must have left it at the cafe.” At least now he had a reason to leave for a while.

 

The darkened streets became more frightening to Nagi; instead of teens his age bustling about it was only adults rushing to get home to their families. The buildings felt taller under the pitch black sky, only illuminated by the neon lights of bars and flashing love hotel signs, several of which Nagi didn’t even know were there in the morning. The nightlife was suffocating to Nagi, and at this rate he’d never make it to the cafe if it was even open anymore. If Shion had come with him he’d probably feel more comfortable, but now he was alone. Standing on stage in front of millions of fans was different, there was someone he could call to if something went wrong. Here, he wasn’t on stage but in the crowd as they slowly devoured his very existence into darkness. Nagi gripped at his shirt and felt his breathing accelerate. Could he not even navigate on his own? Had he been that pampered that he’d forgotten so easily? Nagi ran as fast as he could to a clearing, what he later identified as a park. He threw himself onto one of the swings and allowed his frustrations to catch up to him. “Shion…” He cried and held his head, “Eiichi, Kira, Eiji, Yamato, Van… Anyone… Come save me!”

“Nagi?”

The pink haired boy lifted his head and his eyes met with a familiar face.

“Izumi...kun.”

There stood none other than Izumi Iori staring down at the snivelling Nagi. “Is there something wrong?” Nagi knew this set up, he’d spill his thoughts to Iori then he’d turn around and tell the media all about how pathetic Mikado Nagi of HEAVENS was. However, Nagi was more shaken than anything else. “ _You’re what’s wrong._ ” He mumbled. Taken aback, Iori parted his lips to say something, but stopped him self. “Do go on.”

“ _You’re what’s wrong_. There’s so many idols I’ve crushed the dreams of simply by looking at them. I told you what I did because I didn’t expect for you to even become an idol… I didn’t think you already were an idol! Now, I’ve made a new rival for myself and HEAVENS.”

Iori was at a loss for words, only managing ‘Excuse me?’ Had anyone else said those words to him, Iori would have not hesitated to be annoyed but clearly this was bothering Nagi quite a bit. “You think I would want to challenge HEAVENS?” Through his tears, the younger idol nodded. “Nagi, IDOLiSH7 has only just debuted, we physically would not have power to even think about challenging you. I’m not only saying that because I’m a fan, either. Could you imagine how the press would describe us? Rowdy teenagers looking to battle the band ranked second for four months straight on the charts. You needn’t worry. Personally, I’m not looking to battle.” Iori handed him something Nagi was too preoccupied to even notice he had. “M-My backpack?”

“I saw you run out on your own… I was a little hurt you didn’t stay until I was finished.”

“S-sorry… I was really upset.”

“I suppose I’ll forgive you just this once.” Iori lightly dusted off the swing next to him and sat down, awkwardly dwarfing the seat.

Nagi reached into his bag and pulled out a tissue to correct his face. “You must think I’m pathetic for crying over something like this.” Iori shook his head. “Not one bit. You seemed like you had a lot on your mind… I cry as well when I become stressed.” He said in an attempt to make himself seem more relatable to the situation, “Besides, doesn’t it feel better to explain what ails you rather than to let it fester?” Nagi nodded again, “Y-yeah… I guess so. Uhm, Izumi-kun—”

“Iori is fine.”

“I-Iori-kun. How did you know I would be here?”

“Pure chance. Perhaps fate brought us together? I’m kidding, of course. After my performance, I stayed and met some of my fans. I was already there, so I helped clean the main room and I noticed you’d left your backpack. I was on my way to your agency to return it to you.”

“How did you know it was mine?”

“Let’s see.” Iori brought his hand in a horizontal ‘L’ shape to his chin and tilted his head to look at the accessory, “Yellow, small, and inexplicably adorable buttons. Even if it had not been yours, it’s like it was made for you. Speaking of those buttons… Is that the limited edition Usamimi Friends button from New Years?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I got it when we went to the park for my birthday! It was the last one, so I lucked out.” He laughed, trying to relieve his tension, “Why do you ask?”

“...Its— Its really, ahem… It suits you.”

“No way… You like Usamimi Friends, too?”

“I-I never said anything like that—!”

“I can tell by your face! Besides, this is the exclusive character that was only released this year, she hardly has any merchandise so only a true fan could recognize her!”

Iori’s eyes widened and he gasped, apparently trying to form words. Nagi pulled the bag onto his lap and unpinned the button, “Here. A gift for returning my backpack to me… And for not being as much of an ass as you could have been.”

“Ah… Shouldn’t I be thanking you? You could easily crush us with little effort, but you didn’t even think about it. You were worried for your band.” After much insisting from Nagi, Iori took the badge and pinned it to his breast pocket. “You’ll probably take better care of her than I have. You’d better take care of her or else!”

A small smile crossed his lips, “I’ll do my best.”

A thick silence hung over the two of them before Nagi piped up again, “Come to think of it, I didn’t get to hear the rest of your song… Would you like to sing it for me?”

“R-right now? Here?” Nagi nodded. “Y-You would have to let me warm up my throat first…”

“Take your time. I have all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a little more late than I would have liked, but regardless, enjoy!


	3. The Pretty Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagi returns home after a day out with Iori to find someone was waiting for him. 
> 
> Seven "someones", in fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update because I didn't know how to continue after /that/ ending.

“I’m heading out!” Nagi called out, as he usually did. He waited at the threshold for a full minute before calling out again. “That’s… strange. Kira normally sees me off.” He thought out loud, “Oh, well! No skin off my back!” Following his usual routine, Nagi skipped out the door and to his favorite cafe now to be accompanied by his new subordinate, Izumi Iori.

  
“Relay the information to me.”

“I don’t see how this is an issue, I think it’s great Nagi is making friends his a—”

 “I asked for information, not sass.”

 “...” Eiichi sighed, turning to the rest of his group for confirmation. Van gave an encouraging nod, and Eiichi reciprocated it, “Recently, Nagi has been going out to a cafe centered around idols. Exactly a week ago today, Nagi encountered a fan who turned out to be a possible rival. However, when Nagi accused him of wanting a challenge, the boy denied it. Can we leave?”

“That brat… and where is he now?”

“...” No one had an answer.

“Where is he, dammit?! I know _you_ know!” Raging slammed his fist onto the desk, causing Shion to jump.

Eiichi exhaled from his nose, trying to keep himself calm, “He would be out with that boy, right now.” 

“...Let him have his fun for now. I’ll summon for him when he returns.”

  
As night fell, the remaining members of HEAVENS hardly spoke a word to each other. All of them had the same thing on their mind; ‘What was Raging going to do to Nagi?’ With each member dreading the return of their youngest companion they allowed the deafening silence to fill the, what once was, living room.

At the sound of the doorknob being turned and opened they all flinched in their seat. “I’m ho— Mmph!” Before Nagi could utter another syllable, Kira covered his mouth with a gloved hand. “Room. Now. Quietly.” Sensing the ‘life-and-death’ aura practically emanating from Kira, Nagi nodded and removed his shoes and backpack, tip toeing to his room. As he passed in front of Raging’s office, everyone held their breath, hoping he wouldn’t alert the awful man that awaited him inside.

“Mikado Nagi.”

Nagi gulped and turned to the group before entering the office, “You called for me, sir?” Raging swiveled around in his chair to meet the young boy’s eyes. “I hear you made a friend, Nagi.” His heart sank, just today he and Iori spent their morning admiring the Usamimi Friends and Piyo-chan collaboration. For the first time, Nagi had someone who wouldn’t criticize him for his interests or pretend to be interested just to get something in return. Despite that, it was a death sentence to lie to Raging.

“Before you accuse me of anything involving any partnership with that kid. I’m going to come out and say I’m using him.”

Raging raised his eyebrows, “Is that so?”

“You really think I _need_ friends? They’d use me for my popularity, anyway. That kid is nothing but a puppy, wandering too far from its mother. I’ll be sure to put him back in his place. Iori is nothing but a tool I’ll use to destroy his band from the inside out. I’ll make him regret ever thinking he was ‘friends’ with me.”

“Impressive, Nagi. I knew I was concerned for nothing. His group, tell me what it’s called.”

“...IDOLiSH7? Sounds like a fourth grader named it.”

“I agree. Take that one out, and don’t scare me like that again. Understand?”

“Yessir!”

“Dismissed.”

  
Once he stepped out of the office, Nagi finally took a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. When he opened his eyes, he was met by 6 expressions, all displaying something different than the other. Eiji’s was riddled with concern, Van with awe, Shion with fear, Yamato with shock, Kira with the same blank expression as usual, but the one that stood out to Nagi the most was Eiichi’s. An expression he recognized as one he’d received several times before, all from different people. An expression he wished Eiichi would never display toward him.

_Pure unadulterated disappointment._

“Go to your room.”

  



	4. The Ugly Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagi reflects, Iori bakes, and Shion does his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little much but its because I wanted to make up for the time I lost because of feeling not up to it!!
> 
> Please enjoy!!

Forbidden.

Nagi was “forbidden” from leaving his room until he learned how to behave. Forbidden meaning he could leave his room to go to the bathroom and to get dinner, but other than that, he wasn’t allowed to leave.  
_What lesson is there to be learned from this?_

If anything, Eiichi should be the one locking himself up. He should know by now when Nagi was lying. Especially to save his own ass.

As the young boy stared up at the ceiling, he thought of what he’d said to Raging, _“You really think I need friends? They’d use me for my popularity, anyway.”_ He was speaking from his personal experience. How many “friends” had he made that he genuinely kept around for the sake of having them? He scrunched up his nose, “Fine! I don’t need friends, anyway!” He said and rolled over letting one of his arms dangle from his bed.

_Rattle rattle rattle._

Shion tumbled out of his closet. “You don’t really mean that, do you?” Nagi looked around in disbelief at his bandmate. “Shion! How long were you planning to stay in there?!” Shion shook his head and stood himself up using the wall as leverage, “Only for a little while… I crawled in so you wouldn’t be lonely, but I ended up taking a small nap. I only just now awoke to your outburst. You don’t really mean that, do you?”

“O-of course not! I-I mean… I don’t know. I’ve tried making friends before… Even you tried and they’ve all ended up going nowhere…”

“Where are friendships supposed to go if you expect the other person to sail alone? At least call directions to them, that way you don’t end up in troubled waters.”

“I mean, I try! I always do! But the other person always gets tired of me! It’s not my fault they’re lame and don’t like what I like!”

Shion’s pale eyes flicked to Nagi, then to the ground, “You never got rid of me… I don’t share many interests with you other than HEAVENS and warm things.” Sensing what he was trying to say, Nagi quickly retorted, “Because I’m not like those people. Also we have to see each other every day because of work, so it would be awkward if we were on bad terms. Not that I would want to be.” He patted Shion’s head. Shion immediately fell into Nagi’s lap and clung to him, “Thank goodness! I was so afraid that Nagi would get rid of me! Oh, thank the stars, the sky, and constellations who brought us together!” The younger idol could only awkwardly laugh and pat his head again, warning him not to squeeze too tightly.

 

The next day, Nagi’s ban was lifted and he went out to meet Iori again. Checking his phone he examined the location. It was in the quieter part of Tokyo but still pretty far, so he resorted to taking the train. _“Fonte Chocolat?”, He read to himself, It's a bakery, but why would Iori want to take me there? Especially since it’s so far… Ah, this is my stop._ Iori had promised to meet Nagi at the train station, and surely the moment Nagi arrived, he spotted Iori.

“I’m glad you could make it.” He smiled once Nagi made his way over.

“Yeah! I’m gonna assume you know the area, because I sure don’t…”

“Don’t worry, I know this place like the back of my hand.”

  
“I’m back.” Iori called out as Nagi felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him. This place was packed and Iori could just announce that so easily? Or did he know all of these people? Nagi’s questions were quickly answered when a lady only a little bit shorter than Iori approached them with an apron. “You must be the friend Iori told me about. Nagi… Rokuya?” Iori shook his head, “Mikado. Sorry about that, Nagi.” Nagi looked up at the woman, “It’s okay, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Are you Iori-kun’s sister?” Iori and the woman exchanged glances before the woman laughed, ruffling Nagi’s hair. “I know I don’t look that young! I’m Iori’s mother, I run this bakery with my husband.”

“W-wait, so this is your family’s bakery, Iori-kun?!”

“You would be correct, this place has been in business since I was a baby, and maybe even since Nii-san was a baby.”

“‘N-Nii-san’?” Nagi echoed.

“Oh, that’s right. You haven’t met my brother. He’s not home today, but the dorms aren’t very far from here if you really want to meet him.”

“‘Dorms’?”

“Are you a broken record?”

“Come now, Iori. That’s no way to treat your friends.” Iori’s mother interrupted, returning to her post behind the counter. “If you ever feel like dropping by, Nagi, feel free to do so! I’ll make a special treat just for you!”

Nagi smiled and turned to Iori who had a small blush on his cheeks. “Is something wrong?” He said once he noticed Iori’s expression. Quickly dismissing it, Iori waved his hand, “Nothing. Wait here.” With that he strode away behind the counter to what Nagi assumed was the kitchen area.

Now that Iori was gone, Nagi got to take in his surroundings more. The adorable motifs scattered across the bakery made Nagi want to take pictures and post them all over his social media. He pressed his fingers against the glass display case near the register, showcasing samples of what desserts could be purchased. The first one that caught his eye was one intricately crafted, a large bunny made out of cream, a smaller bunny next to it, and a strawberry cut into the shape of a heart leaning against them on top of the dish.

“Do you like that one?” Iori’s mother said once she was done with a customer, “Iori designed it when he was little. I remember it like it was yesterday…”

“No way… Iori-kun designed this?”

“He’s got a knack for things like this, so he usually helps out when he can. Now that he’s busy with being an idol, he can’t help out as much. Ever since he and Mitsuki moved out though, it seemed like business picked up, so that helps.”

Nagi pulled his hands away from the glass and he smiled at the woman, “You must be proud of your sons, then. They seem like they have it all put together with how levelheaded Iori-kun is.”

“I sneezed back there, are you two talking about me?” Iori said, holding a box barely the size of his hands. “I… made this for you this morning, Nagi. I-I mean I found it was already made and it was extras and—”

“He came here at the crack of dawn and begged to use the kitchen. Must have been really important to him.”

“M-Mom! Ahem, uh, either way.” Iori handed the box to Nagi, “Here. For your troubles.”

Nagi took the box into his hands and examined it. It was much too small for a full sized cake, and too spacious to be cookies or something of the like. Regardless, Nagi thanked Iori for the gift and the two went about their day.

  
Eventually, they found themselves at a park similar to the one they met at. Nagi sat down on one of the swings, and Iori sat beside him, silently grateful this seat was larger than the last. “I didn’t know your family owned a bakery,” Nagi began. “I thought you’d be some corporate heir or something with the way you act all composed.”

“Hm? Oh, both of my parents work at the bakery. Sorry to disappoint.”

“It’s not a disappointment at all. It’s just… that’s what I’m used to. STARISH and HEAVENS are all made up of rich kids that always had something to fall back on… Well, a few being the exception.”

“I see. What do your parents do?”

Nagi paused and wet his lips, “I-I…” He shifted in his seat and held onto the chains of the swing, “My mom died when I was a baby… and I’m not sure where my dad is.”

Iori immediately stood up, “O-oh… Oh, Nagi. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“N-no, no. It’s fine. I don’t really publicize my life. You didn’t know, it’s okay.”

“Nagi,” Iori said taking out a handkerchief, “You’re crying.”

Without even realizing it, tears had began to stream down Nagi’s face. He touched his cheeks as if he’d never felt them before. “Ah. I’m sorry, this is the second time I’ve cried in front of you in a park. I hope this doesn’t become a tr—”

“Nagi.” Iori bent down in front of the swing and wiped his face, “Is something troubling you?”

Silence fell for mere seconds before Nagi spoke again, “It's just… Your mom said how proud she was of you becoming an idol, I guess I just thought about how,” He exhaled shakily, his knuckles turning white from his grip, “How my mom never got the chance to be proud of me.”

Suddenly, Iori pulled Nagi up from the swing into a hug. He didn’t say anything, nothing to convey why he was hugging Nagi. He only offered him the embrace to which, after the initial shock, Nagi reciprocated and let his tears fall from his eyes.

For the first time, Nagi thought genuinely.

_‘Maybe it is nice to have friends.’_


	5. Sweet, Under the Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagi returns to the HEAVENS dorms and inspects the box Iori gave him, and then some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get fucky from here on out. This is your first and final warning.

Upon returning home that night, Nagi inspected the box Iori had given him. A plain, white box with no markings on it that he could only assume was something Iori made for him. Turning on the lamp placed on his desk, he slowly opened it, afraid that the prize inside would be destroyed from the train ride home. Inside sat a treat, mimicking the one Nagi was looking at only a few hours before. The sight of the bunnies on the top with their small chocolate noses caused a pang in Nagi’s heart and an even bigger one when he realized Iori was the one who crafted this specifically for  _ him _ .

He imagined Iori, eyes riddled with tiredness, slaving away mixing this and that with kind intention. Oh, how Nagi wanted to—  _ Wanted to what? _

There was a sense of desire in his heart. One that he didn’t quite understand. How could he understand, he’d never had friends before. Brushing it off, Nagi grabbed his phone and took a few pictures. He planned to advertise Fonte Chocolat in his post, but was interrupted with a text from Iori. 

‘Did you enjoy it?’

‘Mhm! It’s so cute I’ve been staring at it for a while now!’

‘Thank goodness… I was afraid you would have judged my craftsmanship.’

‘How could I? You made it just for me, didn’t you?’

‘... I did.’

‘Then I couldn’t possibly dream of judging it.’

Nagi sat down at his desk and pulled a plastic spoon from his backpack, and discarded the wrapper around it. As he dug the spoon into the treat, he realized the bunnies were made of some sort of frosting-like substance almost like peanut butter but it tasted like french vanilla. Nagi sighed with delight as he let the sweetness engulf his taste buds and he shoveled another spoonful, this time picking up the strawberry, into his mouth. The familiarity of the strawberry, and the new sensation in his mouth made him want to savor it more and more.

“What’re you doing?”

Nagi jumped and hid the pastry behind his back. “I-I’m not doing anything!”

“It’s quite late to hide it. I’ve been standing here for a while.” Shion said, twisting one of his white curls around his finger, “Did your  _ friend  _ make that for you?” Ah. Nagi felt another pang in his heart, somehow this one hurt. He could only suspect it was Shion’s tone. “He did… He woke up really early in the morning to make it for me… He must have spent hours on it.” Shion bent down to look at it at eye level. “It paid off. When I was looking at it before, I thought you had bought it and were keeping it from me.”

“No way! You know I’d share with you if I bought something!” Nagi patted his head as if Shion was the younger one, “This one is special though, so I want it to myself.” Shion nodded and left the room. Once he was gone, Nagi sighed in relief and resumed his partaking of the dessert.

 

Patting his belly, Nagi threw himself down into his bed and relished in the flavor that remained on his tongue. He was abruptly released from his thoughts when his phone began to ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s Iori.”

“Yeah, I can tell that much. You sound the same as you usually do.”

“... Do I really?”

“Yep, is that shocking?”

“N-no… it’s just you sound a lot different. Cuter, almost.”

Nagi felt his heart flutter, but he forced himself to ignore it. “Oh? Well, it just goes to show you, I can only get cuter and cuter!” He heard a small chuckle from Iori’s end followed up with, “Yes, you’re truly a sight to behold. Did you… eat it yet?”

“I just finished, actually! It was so good! I can’t believe you made that on your own.” There was a shuffling noise and then a hushed ‘No, I’m busy!’, then what sounded like whining. “Sorry about that. Nanase-san came in,” Iori cleared his throat. “I’m relieved, I was worried I had perhaps overdone it.”

The whining persisted and Nagi finally spoke up, “Uhm… if you’re preoccupied, I can just let you go.” Iori gasped, and then there was a loud slam with now muffled whining. “N-No need. He’s been removed. Now, what were you saying?”

“I was surprised you made that by yourself! It tasted really expensive!”

“I would not settle for anything less for you.” Iori began coughing loudly, “A-As a fan, I mean.”

“You know you can call me your ‘friend’, right?”

“F-Friend?! … Y-yes. Your friend. I’m your friend.”

From downstairs, Nagi heard Eiichi calling for him. Instinctively, he rolled his eyes, “Sorry, Iori-kun. Eiichi’s yelling at me again so I have to go.”

“Oh. Well, alright. Uhm, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sweet dreams.”

 

“What do you want, Eiichi?”

Eiichi gave Nagi a look that every Heavens member knew by heart. The ‘Raging Wants to Talk With You’ look. Nagi swallowed hard and hesitantly walked to his boss’ office. Could you really call it walking? The floor felt like it was moving, rather than himself, and he was being propelled into his own personal hell. The walls got closer to him as he moved. With his fists balled up, he finally reached the office and waited to be summoned in. When the booming voice from inside called him by his last name, he practically threw himself in. 

“You wanted to see me… Sir?”

Raging blew a puff of smoke out from his mouth and Nagi had to resist coughing. There was nothing he hated more than that man’s cigars. Nonetheless, Nagi stood tall.

“Your little ‘friend’. How is it going with him?”

“I-I already told you! He’s not my friend!”

“Oh, but he is. After all…”

Raging stood up, walking behind Nagi and waving a tape recorder teasingly in his face, “You said it yourself.” Nagi went pale. Searching for excuses, his eyes darted around.

‘You know you can call me your ‘friend’, right?’

A voice that was certainly his own rang in his ears. “I-I… I’m just trying to make him comfortable with me!”

“That took a while for you to answer.” Raging’s tone became more forced, as if he was resisting being overtly angry with the young boy. One of his hands snaked his way onto Nagi’s shoulder and began to squeeze.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Nagi… You can tell me anything.”

“I-I’m telling the truth! The second that kid turns his back I—”

“You’ll…? You’ll do what?  _ Hurt his feelings _ ? Smash that  _ present _ he gave you?”

The grip on his shoulder tightened, Nagi felt as if his bones were threatening to break under the pressure, but they remained.

Raging spoke again, this time obviously more upset. “You are not to have friends, you are not to have relationships. You have six good friends right in front of you. I’ve pampered you all your life and you betray me by finding new playmates? Do you hate me that much?”

_ I do.  _ “No, sir.”

“Do you no longer want my work I give you?”

_ I don’t.  _ “I want the work…”

“Then what is it? Why must you defile my rules, Mikado Nagi?”

_ Because I hate you,  _ Nagi so dearly wished to say those words. He knew good and well what Raging wanted to hear. It was drilled into his brain since he arrived at Raging Entertainment. Without hesitation, Nagi spoke...

“Because I’m a worthless, awful, ungrateful child… Who wouldn’t be where I am now, had it not been for you.”

“Good boy, Nagi. Now,” Raging finally let go of his shoulder. “Run along. I’m sure the quiet one has made dinner for the lot of you already. Children should be seen, not heard. Follow his example.”

Raging blew a final puff of smoke into Nagi’s face and sent him on his way.

 

_ God. If you’re still listening to me… I pray Iori’s boss isn’t like this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey AO3, please let me format cleanly for once?


	6. A Conversation with the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagi reflects on his past.

_ Replaceable.  _

Nagi was constantly reminded that he could be replaced at any second if Raging so wished. The process would be seamless, and Nagi would be free. Even he knew the consequences to being replaced.

_ Being replaced _ .

Something Nagi was too familiar with. In school, after he debuted, his friends no longer associated with him claiming he was “too cool” for them and he wouldn’t need them.  _ Childish.  _

Popular, but alone, Nagi stayed to himself. Occasionally girls would talk to him, if they could squeeze through Raging’s bodyguards, but they would always want something from him. 

This began a melancholic state of Nagi’s life.

He decided it on his own. He was too smart for school anyway, so he cracked open a book and read up on how to graduate early. Presenting the idea to Raging and getting permission to attend college courses, Nagi did nothing but study. And he passed. He passed every test, every exam, and eventually graduated on his own.

_ Now what? _

If anything, it made him more of an outcast. Knowledge that was useless for an idol swirled around in his head.  _ So what was next? _ Then a challenge arose. STARISH. Failure. New members. Duet project. Fear of being disbanded. Triple S. Failure. Nagi cried his eyes out that night. No matter how many times they’d tried to calm him down, he kept crying until Shion broke and cried, too. Then Eiji, then Eiichi, then Van, then Kira, and eventually Yamato. The seven boys huddled on the couch, crying their worries out until nothing was left.

_ There was nothing left. _

Everyone blamed the loss on themselves. Had Shining not stepped in, the seven would be seperated.

Nagi would be alone.

That’s what he feared.

Despite not disbanding… Nagi was alone in the end.

Finally making a friend that could understand him, then having him taken away. 

 

Nagi curled up on his bed, holding a pillow against his body as he cried. The same hopelessness from the night of the Triple S haunted him. He was alone. Fans were nice as a background noise, but Nagi was greedy. He wanted someone right there to cheer him on. Oh, how difficult that ended up to be. 

He waited for Shion to tumble out of his closet, for Kira to knock on the door mumbling ‘Dinner’, even for Eiji to come in and soothe him in the motherly way Eiji always did. But he was alone. Nagi… was left alone. By the people he trusts the most. His punishment, and his worst fear.  _ Abandonment. _

The silence of his room served as a painful reminder that this was his punishment. For disobeying Raging, for defying his rules, and for lying to his face. And oh, Iori! Sweet Iori who had done nothing wrong… What would be his penalty?

Nagi sniffled, accepting this was a fact of his life. This was in the contract he signed. He just needed to get away for a bit and clear his mind. Unceremoniously throwing on whatever coat his hand touched first, and securing a mask onto his face, he pondered on how to get out. 

  
If Kira or Eiichi spotted him, they’d ask where he was going. His eyes wandered to the window, but quickly dismissed the thought. He wanted to  _ temporarily  _ leave the building, not permanently. There was an easier way out, but he would have to walk through the common area. He’d just have to wait until everyone was asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Yes the title of this is a reference to the i7 anime OST


	7. My Heart and Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagi and Iori have a heart to heart, then something unexpected happens. 
> 
> Has Nagi been the one being played all along?

As the moon hung higher in the sky, Nagi felt his tears finally start to dry while he tied his shoes. He walked down the stairs and looked around, sure enough everyone was in their rooms for the night. The only downside was Iori was probably asleep, too.

Nagi hadn’t figured out where he was going, he just needed to get away from it all and pretend he was a normal teenager for a few seconds. As he exited the perimeter, he walked wherever his legs felt like carrying him. The night air worked as an excellent anesthetic for his troubles. The cool wind blew his hair back ever so slightly and he felt at ease. This was the way the world was meant to be enjoyed. The way his mother enjoyed the world. He stopped in front of a fountain once he felt like he’d walked far enough. The structure was turned off due to the time of night, but the water still shimmered in the base.

Taking a deep breath, Nagi took out his phone. Already midnight. He texted Iori a simple, “Are you awake?” and almost immediately received his response.

‘Yes. Are you?’

‘I don’t know anymore.’

‘...? Is something ailing you?’

Taking a quick selfie, Nagi sent it over to Iori.

‘I see. I’ll be over shortly.’

‘Eh? But won’t it disturb the other members if you leave this late?’

‘They’re marathoning an anime. I’m free to do as I wish.’

 

Upon Iori’s arrival, Nagi felt the weight on his shoulders soften. Iori didn’t seem to be in a hurry, he took his time as he strolled up to the fountain and sat down next to Nagi. “The weather is lovely tonight.” Iori said, attempting to make small talk, “Is that why you’ve come here?” Nagi rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I felt a breeze and just knew I needed to be here.”

“That’s a pleasant thought. Now, do you intend on telling me the real reason you’re here?”

“The old man is a bitch.”

“‘Old man’... Oh, Otori-san? What did he do?”

“Same shit as always.”

“...I can tell you’re quite perturbed… If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t press the ma—”

“He’s always making me do whatever _he_ wants me to do. I’m sixteen! I joined this industry when I was ten, debuted when I was thirteen, and now I’m here thinking ‘Now what?’... That’s like… Half my life gone.”

“Actually, it’s—” Iori decided against his correction and looked to Nagi, “It’s… okay to feel that way. I’ve only just debuted so I don’t know the extent of being a major idol like you, but I can get an idea of it. Is that all?”

“He keeps trying to make me stop talking to you.”

Iori was taken aback by the statement, not visibly, but he felt it within him, “And why is that?”

“He doesn’t like it when I have friends outside of Heavens.”

“That’s not—” He resisted, but eventually felt his anger building up, “That’s not something for him to control! He’s your manager, not your puppeteer.”

“Try telling him that.”

Addressing the severity of the situation, Iori felt himself receive a glimpse of another band he knew that was manipulated by their president for a time. “Idols… are meant to evoke happiness. Music is supposed to make you feel good… If the idol who sings isn’t happy, then the audience won’t be happy. Idols are not tools for one's disposal! Doesn’t he know this?!”

“Apparently not. I guess I just got so upset that I wouldn’t get to see you again, I stormed out. I just needed to be somewhere else.”

“You… You were upset you wouldn’t get to see me again?”

“You’re my only friend.”

Iori’s heart shattered. Before he realized what he was doing, he hugged Nagi, Nagi’s arms limp at his sides. Iori didn’t know personally what it was like to not have friends since he always had at least one person to talk to. But this situation Nagi was in… He couldn’t talk to anyone. Not even his own band mates. Iori was grateful Nagi came to him, had the situation gotten worse and worse… Iori didn’t want to think about it.

“Even if I’m the only one, even if I can be the only person you can share your emotions with, even if your whole agency turns against you… I’ll always listen to you, Nagi. Be it singing or just talking. I’ll always be listening! Please! _Please_ , don’t give up just yet.”

The tears that had dried formed again in Nagi’s eyes, his arms finally built up the strength to wrap around Iori. His tears fell harder and harder. This time, and for the first time Nagi’s felt in a while, they were tears of joy. This was the experience he was longing for with a friend. This is what he’d hoped for the whole time. Just someone who would listen to him. Someone who could make him _feel_ human and not like some puppet on stage.

Iori pulled away, his arms still around Nagi, “Mikado Nagi… Whatever that man tells you. _No matter_ what he tells you, I hope it can ease your mind, even a little to know… To me, you’re irreplaceable.”

Before another tear had a chance to fall, Iori cupped Nagi’s chin in his hand, tilting the younger idol’s head up and gazed into his eyes. “I suppose… something has been ailing me, too.” Confusion didn’t even have a chance to set in before Iori’s lips were pressed against Nagi’s. Nagi’s eyes widened, unable to comprehend the situation. He felt dizzy, but stable. His heart was beating so fast he’d swear he’d have a heart attack. But no, nothing of the sort happened. Just the kiss itself and nothing more.

Shortly after, Iori’s phone buzzed and he excused himself. “Goodnight, Nagi. I hope I eased your troubles.”

_Not! Absolutely not! If anything, you’ve given me more! What am I supposed to do now?! I’ve never had friends before! Was that a friend kiss?! Was it a girlfriend kiss?! I’m not a girl, I can’t be your girlfriend, Iori-kun!!_

Nothing but a strained noise left Nagi as Iori went on his way. His mind was racing faster than a bullet train, analyzing all possible reasons to why that just happened. No, he was stuck on processing that _that_ happened. His first kiss? With Iori?! It didn’t make sense to him! They were both boys! Then a grim thought dawned upon Nagi. The situation was mirrored all too well.

In grade school, a girl Nagi’s age proposed being friends with him, and for a while they were great friends. Then… She confessed to Nagi. His feelings weren’t the same, though. The girl was left heartbroken and they never spoke again. Most of Nagi’s friendships ended this way.

But… Iori cut out the confession part entirely. He went straight for the kill! Then a thought crossed his mind. Iori was a fan long before they became friends. He admired Nagi, and apparently Nagi alone. Iori… would be no different from a girl. This whole time… instead of Nagi using Iori.

_Iori was using Nagi._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written off of pure self-indulgence. Iori likes cute things, and Nagi is a cute thing.


End file.
